Easter is slowly riding into the sunset but that wretched pile of Easter candy remains. Naturally you will eat the chocolate and good shit first so in a week or so you are left facing the scraps. Lots and lots of Peeps. Put those stupid fucking marshmallows to work! We present to you a new game of fierce battle, epic wins and crushing defeats. Peep jousting motherfucker. Go get some peeps, toothpicks and a six pack of beer. These supplies are crucial.
To play you will need some warriors. As long as I’ve played this game, peeps are the only thing that really work so if you are leftover with those marshmallow bunnies or Halloween “spooky cats” then I don’t know WHAT the fuck to tell you. Probably get a life. Take two different colored peeps and separate them from their platoon.
Take one of those wooden toothpicks and go all Van Hellsing on that fuck. The object is to go through BOTH sides of the peep, with just a little bit hanging out the back. If it helps you, think about putting a hole right through where the peeps titty would be. Since they will be dueling with eachother, put a toothpick on the left side of one peep and the right side of the other peep. Like so.
WARRIOR POSITIONS are crucial as fuck. The toothpicks should be pretty even in the bodies and they should be just a little bit apart. You don’t want them touching at the starting position, make sure you can slip a pinky or a pencil thin dick between them. The way this whole stupid thing works is when you microwave a marshmallow, it expands and distorts rapidly (think Tetsuo from Akira.) No two peeps expand at the same rate so there is some chance involved. Now that you are fully educated on grade school science, you will need to prepare… THE BATTLE ARENA
You’re gonna need a microwave to do battle, but not just any microwave is going to do. Your microwave needs to be DIRTY AS FUCK. If you have a clean microwave, take a dog turd, wrap it in tinfoil and make that poopoo EXPLODE in there or something, you figure it out. Your filthy fucking microwave should look like the Thunderdome from Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome.
Score! Battle arena full seal of approval. LET’S GET READY TO RUMBLE !!!
The game is afoot. Battle Pink vs. Green! Brother Sleazee has placed bet’s on green “because he looks hella mean.” Good choice but the turning wheel holds the fate of the match. Set the timer on the Battle Arena to 20 seconds! If you live in the mountains like in Colorado or something you may need more time or something. I don’t know how the fuck science works.
Fuck Yes!!! The one part of peep jousting we can’t accurately describe is how fucking funny it is watching two marshmallow turd candies dueling inside a shitty microwave.
In battle Purple vs. Green it’s important to note that purple is noticeably smaller. I like an underdog so it’s full steam ahead purple for brother Roil. You should also drink some more of that beer you got. That part is crucial actually.
Fuck yes! Purple Crushes the opposition! Peeps have fully redeemed themselves and have gone from shitty candy to seasonal single serving gladiators!
That sure was fun, the betting system works any which way you want, for this purpose it was best 2 out of 3. Brother Roil is the peep jousting champion of 2011! Rewards include hand jobs and more beer. Losing includes (but is not specific to) eating the bodies of the dead.
We’d love to see you guys rock some peep Jousting as well, post photos or video on the facebook or e-mail them to us! PEEP JOUSTING MOTHERFUCKERS!!
