Hoodwinked! – Monster Dog

Movie covers are SUPER deceiving. I really REALLY liked American werewolf in London right? So I tend to watch most werewolf movies when they cross my path. Like this guy. .
Monster Dog (1984) – Dir. Claudio Fragasso
Aw way cool why hadn’t i heard of this movie before? Werewolves AND Alice Cooper? So it looks like David Duchovny is a shape shifting monster that is haunting a house that somebody parked a moving van in front of it. So maybe, like David Duchovny is the moving guy and he’s helping Alice Cooper move into his new house then he turns into a monster and Alice has to play epic rock jams to sooth the savage beast! This is going to fucking rule!!!

We got fucking hoodwinked!!! This movie doesn’t rule at all! Sorry for the “spoiler” but David Duchovny is not in this one, just a fat, ugly old Alice Cooper in a role that TRULY defines his acting. Awful. Seriously, it’s a tooth and nail battle between Alice Coopers awful acting and the terrible script, what kind of braindead retard could have come up with this thing? Oh right, Claudio Fragasso, the same asshole who made Troll 2 and Zombi 3. Should have guessed. So Alice Cooper in this movie plays a washed up musician (far too easy to make the joke) whose record label wants to send him to his old home to work on his new music videos. His old home is haunted(?) by wild dogs(?) and some MONSTER DOG(?) or something like that. The monster dog kinda looks like the picture, just made out of play-dough. There’s a curse on the house and all his friends that came along to help him film his videos all die in some way or another. It may sound like I’m leaving out major plot points in the movie but that’s just how weak this thing really is. You want to know the ONLY cool thing about this flick is? This song and video.

That’s it! And that’s the very first scene of the movie! So you can watch the first 5 minutes of the movie then turn it off, THEN it will be your favorite movie ever.

Ok ok. There is also the factor of Victoria Vera, who was great in School of Death but has only ever appeared in Spanish television. Her nudity is sadly forgettable and I’d have a difficult time whackin’ it to this movie. I think it would be easier to whack it with a gun to my head.

So you get to see Alice Cooper get blown away by a shotgun, extra shitty video equipment, some boobies and some extra terrible special effects. Sounds pretty good, but you have to sit through the most BORING montage sequences, the worst acting and the WORST Alice Cooper B side music in his catalog, shit that makes that song in Class of 1984 seem like rock and roll gold. You suck monster dog, 5 turds for you and the next time someone asks me about you I’ll just say “It’s kinda like the movie Stripes in that the first half fucking rules but who knows what happens in the second half.” Except the first cool half is 5 minutes long and I’ll never remember what happened in “the second half.”

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