It’s valentines day! I bet you didn’t get your girlfriends anything and you’ll end up getting them gas station roses/boxed chocolates. It’s cool though, that’s not really the way towards true love, these are the holiday essentials that actually matter.


Breakfast: Essential
The key to starting off any good day is a good breakfast. That’s the fucking truth, so wake up extra early (or just don’t go to sleep) and make that classy lassie a good breakfast. She’ll be thinking of you all day. (Also, do the dishes. Don’t be a dick.)


A physical valentine
Store bought valentines work, but handmade is preferable. Be nice! Don’t say ‘fingerbang’ or ‘hoe’ that’s tacky. A thoughtful gift would be good too.



A thoughtful gift
Chocolate is soooooo two thousand and late. Get creative! A monster mask, a new purse, a KISS album.. Ok, probably not a KISS album. A bottle of wine or a mountain of weed too.. that will set the mood for,

Massages
For the love of god, practice the holiday or don’t but be fucking NICE to girls today! It’s a miracle of science that they put up with our shit, how about a back-rub or a foot massage? You do it right, you may just get some


Kinky Sex
There’s only a few times a year you’ll have the balls to try something weird and Valentines day is one of those times. Talk dirty, make some kiss on armpits and inner thighs, practice some basic rope knots.. You know what you’re into, don’t let us tell you what to do.

Happy Valentines day friends and lovers, hope you get lucky and I guess if things go well and you get married, invite us to the wedding. But only if it’s open bar, don’t get cheap on us. <3 The Brothers Vulture