Another tuesday, another round of movie trailers! We had so much fun cutting down old sci-fi movies for the Boston Underground Film Festival but it’s SUPER time consuming! There are tons of these shitty movies and here’s some that we wish we had time to cut down, starting with the most boring movie with the sweetest monster. You’ll be bored to fucking tears in.. CINEMAGIC
That rat bat creature is fucking awesome. Know what else is awesome? We’d totally bone Satana. Science fact.
You can watch Astro Zombies all the way through and NOT wanna die. Win. Uhh, tribbles are NOT fucking scary. This is worse than the TINGLER
haha you said “ro-bits” spoiler alert! the message is…. “help.”
This fucking thing is pretty much ONLY good for visuals. It looks great but in actuality it’s pretty dumb. But you can be the judge of that of course. The future is WOW !
Everyone knows Mondays are the worst. They are the soul-shattering reminder that the weekend is over, and that the hookers in the closet are going to have to be let out at some point soon. Fuck Monday.
Some brave souls have chosen to fight back, to stick it to the man and have a good ol’ fashioned office freak out. these are heroes who should be celebrated.
But don’t worry, we here at The Whore Church understand your pain and are here to help. Hopefully this little section of randomness will give you the will power to push on till Tuesday!
Sci Fi from the 70’s is fucking awesome! The costumes rule, the soundtracks rule and they rest as timless classics. Look at Star Wars for fucks sake! Old Sci-fi covers are outstanding as well. Laserblast (1978) – Dir. Michael Rae
Shit bro, I LOVE lasers! Peew Peew! I can’t even believe my good fortune! This movie has Mark Hammil’s mongoloid basement twin with some sort of robot arm that makes skeletons bust into fresh ska dances! It also seems to have spooky spaceships that make people all spooked and alien turd people with portable hi fi equipment. And how can you get more badass than that tagline? “Billy was a kid who got pushed around… Then he found the power.” I bet they’re talking about the laserblast right there. Oh shit, this movie is going to be AWESOME!
Fuck man.. We got hoodwinked!!! How can a movie with a name as action packed as “laserblast” be so fucking boring and slow? No ska skeletons, no spooky ships.. nothin. The “story” follows Billy Duncan, a blonde hunky yokel with a rapist van, slut mom and dirty girlfriend who is down on his luck, getting picked on by shitty bullies like Froggy (played by that one guy, Eddie Deezen) and bitching and moaning about every little thing. It’s a real drag, he’s like a 15 year old fat goth girl there is so much complaining. Anyways, Billy stumbles across this laser in the desert that has found it’s way to earth via big clay turtles without shells. He learns how to use the laser and blasts the shit out of his enemies and plants and rocks and junk like that. But it’s not all fun and games, using the laser gives you giant cancerous tumors in your chest and you momentarily turn into shitty Lou Ferrigno era the hulk with pointy corn-chip teeth.
I fell asleep so many times during this movie I never saw the ending but who the fuck wants to, clay squawking aliens and PVC laser guns fought for shitty onscreen time against awkward pool parties and bad acting. The only moderately interesting thing about this movie is what the stars have done SINCE laserblast. Billy was played by Kim Milford who was in the original broadway productions of Rocky Horror Picture Show (he played rocky) and Hair (he has played woof and claude.) He was also in corvette summer and blood brothers. The love interest Kathy Farley was played by femme fatale Cheryle “Rainbeux” Smith, B movie actress turned softcore porno star and doomed heroin addict.
Cheryle Smith has been in some of our favorite flicks including The incredible melting man, Phantom of the paradise, Video Vixens, Revenge of the cheerleaders, The swinging cheerleaders and others. This movie was laughably shitty so it get’s a little bit of leniency, plus it’s going to make for great visuals so we’re giving it 3 turds but PLEASE be warned! You are definately going to hate this movie so get real stoned or drunk before sitting down and watching it.
