Every once and awhile someone will ask: “Hey! Whore Church! How’d you get so cool?”
We say “well that’s our secret little friend, but you’d be on the right track by going to get us some beers.”
You see! It works on two levels because you’d be a cool person to get another person a beer and you’d be cool as well for serving the brothers vulture. But sometimes that ain’t enough. These are tough times and you may need to step your game “the fuck up.” So why not try
A cool new pet
Weird pet’s can make you instantly cooler. Put an un-suspecting pet on a leash, like a snake or a scorpion or something like that and you’d be the fucking coolest guy around! I kid you not, if I saw a dude walking around a scorpion on a little leash.. I don’t even know. I’d lose my shit for sure.
Shitting in public
Do NOT underestimate the comedic POWER that lies in shitting in a public place. If you were that one guy who could shit on command, like when you are leaving a Carls Jr. or getting off the subway or something, you have the BEST story out of anyone at the party that following night. And people will start labeling you as that “funny motherfucker who can shit.” That’s so cool!
Develop Wizard Powers
It’s one thing to play “wisest wizard” and get all wasted and have drunk staff fights with your PBR wizard staff. That’s pretty cool but we are on the cusp of playing that gag out. Instead, just be the wisest wizard for REAL. Star reading a bunch of dusty old books and shit, you’ll get secret arcane knowledge and you can easily bag those smart chicks that tell you about huffington post articles they read like they were giving you he book report that could save their life. Somewhere there HAS to be instructions on how to shoot lightning out of your eyes. Let us know when you find out how to do that, you can hang with us for sure.
Throw your camera away
Let’s fucking face it dude, you photos SUCK! There are like… 2,000 truly great photographers on the earth at any given time. Your instagram photos of your dog with a ton of negative space are fucking stupid and you are wasting space with the big DSLR you got for graduation. Instead, use all that money and time towards getting an awesome scanner and START SCANNING PHOTOS! There’s enough awesome photos out there but unfortunately they are stuck in magazines and old books and junk! You are waaaay more cool to be a bad ass archivist than a half ass shutter bug. For serious.
Invent something everyone wants / NOBODY needs
You know what I would give to be friends with the dude that came up with the fucking BILLY BASS ??? He’s somebodies shit heel uncle who turned a dumb joke he probably only told to 5 year olds to something that 7 out of 10 white middle class families had in their furnished basements for 5 months. Making people want to buy totally stupid pieces of shit is so cool.
Write a dance anthem
Little known fact, the brother’s love Snap. “I’ve got the power” sounds as good as it did 22 years ago as it does today. Because it’s a fucking dance anthem. For a short time after you write a popular dance anthem, you are the coolest person in the world. I’m not saying that fame or that love is going to last long, it’s going to last about 3 weeks if you are lucky. But every ironic dance party till the end of time, you’ll get your love back. Better make your dance anthem long and savor the moment.
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